phase two, part two?

phase two, part two?

so im pretty sure im in need of both a physical and mental overhaul, which can now be referred to as part two of phase two (or maybe – see post way below – the dam broke?). no, im not going crazy, but I can feel myself slipping away from sane, rational thoughts that are simply bombarded and overcome with extreme emotions of every kind. now, mive been an overemotional, oversensitive person for as long as I can remember. im sure some from of therapy might reveal some deep, dark, emotional wound that happened long ago and never healed right. but for today’s post, we’ll concentrate on what we know, hm?

ive never been one of those people who “cant cry” or rather, has some kind of “wall” up around myself for protection because sometime, somewhere, someone hurt me so badly that im always in self preservation mode. sure, ive been hurt, betrayed, cheated on, lied to, but to my dismay, that hasn’t laid the first brick in any kind of “wall” I should have around myself. if anything, its chipped away a little each time at my core, and my skin, poking holes like a light bright canvas. I sometimes feel like I know the design.. that I know more colorful pegs are coming.. and part of me wants to just to show people the dotted guide because maybe they don’t know where theyre going with it, but I do. the optimist in me hopes it will be a pretty picture when its all done.

but maybe instead, I should start laying bricks. my mother always said my skin was thin. and boy’s don’t cry, much less sob. when genes were being divided, my sister got those traits that make her seem heartless, uncaring, insensitive. I got whatever she was denied in spades. so much so that it overflows and blurs the lines between caring and uncaring, sensitive and insensitive. my mother also told me that I was selfish. I think when she said that, at the time it was true.

I spent most of my childhood trying to be invisible and not get in the way. I never had an opinion about much.. never made decisions.. never stood up for anything I wanted, needed (until I was 18 with the whole lesbian thing). I was afraid to rock the boat, make someone mad, make someone frustrated, be an inconvenience, offend, be in the way.. have my opinions be in the way. what did I know? I was the youngest.. the most naïve and fragile and thin skinned. who was I to suggest anything? even in her questionable moral state, my sister was the family decision maker – still is.

thanks to some birth order research, ive found at least some facts to support my questionable personality traits: “Feels every one bigger and more capable. Expects others to do things, make decisions, take responsibility. Feels smallest and weakest. May not be taken seriously.” and another site that says that my marriage should work well, based on birth-order: “First-born married to the last-born: This relationship is an excellent combination. First-born can teach last-born how to be better organized and that there are times when life must be taken seriously. The last-born teaches the first-born that it's okay to have fun once in a while.”

well, and now ive gone off on a tangent on birth order. great. the bottom line here is that I have a call into a place that has therapists. step one, of part two, of phase two. major topics to cover: gender identity, my family, my friendships, my relationships, my career, life-path.. to start, I suppose. wish me luck.