all the wrong reasons...

i suppose the real reason that i haven't made any progress towards identifying as trans, is that i honestly believe that i can go on living the rest of my life as a woman, and though uncomfortable at times, the need to be a man isn't as overwhelming as it is to some people who are already on the path to manhood. maybe i am trans, though, and this matter of fact lumps me in with the gay men (or women) of the world who are married to women (or men) because of their jobs, or unsupportive families, or religions, or culture, or location, etc. people who can go their whole lives with a feeling of complacency because things "aren't so bad the way they are." or they aren't so bad compared to what they could be if they took the chance to fulfill all of their internal needs, regardless of consequences. when does the need to fulfill yourself outweigh the consequences... especially when the consequences could be from alienating your family, to losing your job, to (in a tranny case), not being able to show your children your baby pictures with you as a different gender. whenever i think about it that way, the thought of transitioning, or even self-identifying and acknowledging my feelings, makes me fearful and lumps me into the "well, things aren't so bad they way they are" boat with all of the hetero-married gay men and women of the world.

on the flip side, what happens when transitioning loses some of those consequences, and actually becomes more attractive than my current lesbian status? what if, with the prospect of moving to a homophobic southern state, being a transman (seen as a straight man by rednecks and families with small children) would make my life easier than to be seen as a butch lesbian roaming the moral streets of a southern town with my wife. would i be prepared to deal with the ignorance of the check-out lady sir-ing me while i'm identifying as a woman. can i snuggle up with my wife on the beach without scaring the tourists, making a scene with my blatant homosexuality? right now, living in a liberal town, working at a gay-friendly place, where wandering around being a big, butch lesbian isn't a rare sight, sure - things aren't so bad. but what happens when the atmosphere changes? when it's a more conservative town, where we'd be the only obviously gay women wandering around holding hands. or worse yet, sending our children to school with lesbian parents, preparing then to get ridiculed and beat-up because of us. wouldn't it be "not as bad" to transition, give our kids a mom and a dad, and be able to have all those male privileges? the lesbian activist in me (who isn't very vocal) says i need to stay a lesbian and stick it out for the sake of moving the gay culture forward. the transman in me says, not at the risk of getting myself, my wife, of my children hurt. when did the pros and cons list get so neck and neck?

i suppose the right answer is the whole "be true to yourself" refrain. i suppose that would be easier if myself didn't change seemingly all the time. if i felt i could sort it all out in a vacuum and not always take everything, everyone, and every situation into consideration, i wouldn't sway so often, so broadly, so dramatically. i suppose this struggle is much easier when you're 18, already the black sheep of your family for coming out as gay, with a university glbta group counseling and supporting you, and a non-serious relationship with a girl who's a former straight/now femme lesbian that you've only been dating for a few months, and thinks transguys are "hot." what happens, though, when you've been a lesbian for ten years, and can't imagine starting now to transition into something that could possibly be.. well, for all the wrong reasons.. leaving what's "not so bad" behind for the unknown.