what's in a name

i often wonder what names people would have given themselves if they had a choice. i wonder if there's anyone out there who was born with a name that they love, or at least a name that they felt fit them. if we could all pick our names, would there be any george's, frank's, eugene's, ethel's? or would we all be a sea of alex's, evan's, taylor's, and dakota's?with all these thoughts of trying to pass, comes the prospect of a new name. now, even if everyone in the world was completely happy with their given name, how many of us would jump at the chance at having a new name. and, well, its not just the new name that has its appeal, but it's the prospect of gaining a whole new identity. ripping yourself away from school yearbook pictures, former nicknames, maybe a tattoo on someone's arm... a chance to start over. the only attachment i have to my name is the fact that my father named me. aside from foggy memories, it's one of the few things i can cling to that he gave me. aside from that, i have no attachment, really, and leaving it behind has its personal, internal benefits. my name has been on nametags, websites, newspaper articles, picture captions, business cards.. has been yelled out in the heat of passion, in the throws of an argument, has been writing about in journals and diaries, has been addressed to in love letters, break-up letters, we need to talk letters. to me, my name signifies someone who was unpopular in high school, unattractive, just-a-friend, immature, over emotional, over dramatic, and trying to hard to do everything, be anything, fit in, be an outcast, either being unmemorable, or memorable in a way most people might want to forget. id love to unattach myself from those qualities, and without becoming someone else, it's practically impossible. my past is complicated and dramatic and full of things i'd much rather forget than attempt to change. at times, i've been a person i'd much rather forget. i've never kept journals really, mainly because when something happens that i'm not proud of, i'd like to move as quickly away from it as possible, patching my self-confidence with time (and sometimes denial), and not confrontation and resolution. i don't want any concrete evidence of what happened, who i was, what mistakes i've made. my selective memory will leave out those parts, and keep whatever's left. i write in poems and songs. i choose the ones i want to read again or sing. getting another shot to be me.. a new me.. a me that doesn't try so hard, doesn't cry so easily, isn't so sensitive, so defensive, personalizing everything - is more attractive than you know.

so a name. i have high standards in a name, this i know. i have high standards in a lot of things, actually, but you might know that already (if you don't, you'll soon find out). ideally, i'd like a name that starts with the first letter of my now name. those i've thought of, though, are questionable, at best, and none of them feel like they fit me. so now, i've opened up myself to the whole alphabet, which is daunting. my current criteria? are you ready? ohh, i'm not sure you are. a name.. two or more syllables, but preferably two. not a name of anyone i've ever known and disliked. not too trendy (sorry evan, taylor, and dakota). not the name of anyone my wife has ever kissed, groped, slept with, slept next to, thought about in any tiny itty bit sexual way - same goes for my ex's. not the name of any members of my family. not the name of any of my co-workers. not a gay man's name (sorry shane, blair, brad). not the name of any boys i've ever crushed on (sorry joseph, dale, and matt). not a unisex name. i think that might be it.. so, that might leave me with a handful of names to choose from, actually. it's just a matter of weeding one out, trying it out, and seeing how it makes me feel.

i suppose that's the real goal, well right now, of picking a name. i'd like to maybe go one day having my wife call me that name, and see how it feels. determine if it feels right because it's a man's name, or if it feels wrong because it's a man's name, or it's the wrong man's name. much like packing with something other than a sock the first time, i just want to know how it feels. as soon as i decide, we'll see how it goes. at this rate, though, i can't promise a decision anytime soon.