that's your singer?

we haven't addressed this really yet, have we? well ok - round one. last night i went to a concert with my drummer, and as we were lingering about afterwards, he was chatting it up with some young cute girlies whom he knew, and as i leaned up against the walkway railing talking to his girlfriend, i overheard him say, "you know i'm in a band, right?" to the girlies. apparently the girlies had no idea, gasping, mouths gaping in an omigod-youre-so-cool kind of way. so he chatted up the band a bit, and midway through pointed over to me and said, "that's our singer over there." i abandoned my conversation for three seconds to look over, wave gently, and see their reaction - one of "that's your singer?" - raised eyebrows, gaping mouths and all. silly girlies, i thought, haven't you seen an overweight, butch lesbian, hair tied back, glasses, in baggy pants and a t-shirt bef0re? and moreso, one who is the front woman and driving force behind a somewhat successful rock band? i admit, i wasn't rocking my rock star persona last night, and sort of felt out of place as i was running into people who know my rock star persona, or at least, whom i want them to be introduced to my rock star persona. it's difficult enough to be a front woman of a rock band, but it's more difficult to be a butch front woman of a rock band, when there's constant pressure from the guys in my band, and the unsaid pressure of fans, to look.. well, girly. hot, even. now, if i was playing up the lesbian thing, i'd be on par hot with melissa ferrick (i could be kidding myself, but who knows).. but i'm not playing up the lesbian thing, and have no desire to rock the michigan womyn's music festival. the minute i embrace my butch rock star persona is the minute i'm going to need to write more political, anti-man, pro-gay, i love my cat songs. with that said, come show nights, i embrace my genetic femininity with tight pants, tighter fitting shirts, contacts, hair down and flowy, and *gasp* even a bra with underwire. sure, it makes me feel less in drag than wearing a stretchy stripy work shirt from lane bryant, but it's still drag-like in nature.

which leaves us where exactly, you wonder? well, with the music industry being so image heavy, it leaves me pushing up my boobs and keeping my hair long. although gender has its varying grey areas, rock star personas don't embrace that. hanson got enough shit for looking like three girls, while tracy chapman's low voice and short hair catapulted her into the gender questioning category as well. i wonder if it even made a blip on their personal radar screens, or hurt their feelings a little? sure? maybe? how could it not? if so, though, only because it might be image damaging.. not because the public perception might be onto something? it's one thing for my voice to already be mistaken as a man's (in music, on the phone), but i think if i had this underlying confidence that i know i'm a woman, then it wouldn't have such an impact on me. i think the fact that internally my gender is fluid, as soon as i get sir'd or assumed as a man, it shakes me terribly. assuming that my rock band goes on to rule the world, and my weight, appearance, etc. doesn't change - i'm not sure my gender insecurity can handle SNL impersonators. (hello cart, would you like to meet my horse?) the bottom line seems to be that i either need to embrace my femininity, underwire, long hair.. or quit my band, become a man, move to boston, and make a new rock band all together. i know it doesn't have to be all that drastic, but a part of me thinks that if i were either a) a hot girl, looking hot girlie like or b) a hot guy, looking like my drummer - then the cute girlies would have engaged me more in the rock band conversation, becoming instant fans, and coming to all our upcoming shows, thus helping us rule the world. instead, i got an instant snap judgment on my looks, and maybe they'll come out to a show sometime soon.. to see my drummer, not my band. does my internal fluid gender affect how i'm perceived by strangers? if so, is that affecting my band? is that why we're not ruling the world just yet? it's awful big of me to put that much pressure on my image.. but when i'm the one working the crowd, front and center in most pictures, i wonder how long i can go oppressing my inner man-like feelings before someone catches on, or worse set, sees me in public trying to pass (another entry all together). as much as i'd like to embrace my gender fluidity, i'd also like to have a career as a rock star. unless you want to just play with your surface gender like david bowie or marilyn manson, it seems unlikely to have both.