hair : part two of __

so yes, there was shaving. my legs, my underarms, all smoother than they were before. they look "cleaner" which is, i guess, one of the reasons women shave, other than the smooth factor. some women are hairless wonders.. my wife, my mom, a few ex's.. who shave once in a blue moon, and you never can tell when they've shaven or not. their hair is blonde, fine, and a month without shaving or fresh from the razor, look about the same. me.. i'm a hairy beasty. now, i'm not hairy like.. carnie woman hairy, but my leg hair/underarm hair is thick, and dark brown/borderlined black. ten minutes after i'm fresh from the razor, i'm stubbly, and no longer silky smooth. after two days, the hair is fully visible again, in addition to being razor sharp. it makes me wonder what in the world would happen if i ever went on hormones. i can only imagine the level of hair increasing, getting darker, thicker, showing up places i didn't think i could grow hair. i suppose this is one of the things that i struggle with. i don't sit around wanting my body covered in long, thick hair. i don't want to have to shave my face. i don't want my wife to not want to kiss me in the morning because i'm scruffy. maybe she likes scruffy, though - who knows? i often wonder what used to/does attract her to men (physical qualities, mostly) and if my transitioning physically would give me those traits - how that would make us both feel. or, on the flip side, what those things are that attract her to women, and if my transitioning physically would make me lose those traits. i understand the whole "be true to yourself" concept behind transitioning, and being comfortable in your body, but i just don't think i'm selfish enough to go through all of that. (which surprises me because nine out of ten girlfriends have harped on my selfishness) to put my marriage, my family, my friends, my career at risk all because i find myself uncomfortable in the ladies room. coping with my uncomfortabilities seem to be a whole lot more reasonable than diving into the uncertain - an uncertain that could take away something/everything i love. it's more than hair. it's more than a haircut. it's more than a sock in my pants. it's more than wavering back and forth between david and daniel. it's substantial and big and scary. though, it doesn't have to be in the current world of genderqueer, and ftm with no hormones, and all of the grey inbetweeness that defines so many people sitting in my exact or neighboring boat. i suppose right now is the time to get comfy in my boat, paddle around, get out the binoculars, and float on. it's not a sink or swim situation like a lot of people must feel, which i suppose is a good thing, but i also assume that the floating might get old.